Archive for the ‘Articles’ Category
24
Sep
Written by Tejas on September 24th, 2008
What’s The Deal With Chocolate?
What does it even remotely have to do with love and passion? Why do we rush out to buy chocolate for Valentine’s Day, or for an important anniversary, or whenever we feel the need to atone for some crime against romance – like forgetting Valentine’s Day or an important anniversary? How did chocolate become so firmly entrenched as the gift that most often represents our deepest romantic feelings? And, finally, is it really an aphrodisiac? Well, we’ve done a little research and, for better or worse, we think we have a couple of answers.
Maybe It Was Just The Ta Ta’s
The consumption of chocolate, and the belief in its aphrodisiac qualities, apparently goes back as far as 1100 BC in Central and South America. By 400 AD, the Maya, and later the Aztecs, were brewing a bitter beverage from the cacao bean that, in addition to an everyday drink, found its way into ceremonial use. It was thought to have various desirable properties, including a treatment for diarrhea and fighting fatigue, and was widely believed to increase the libido. Personally, I think it may have had more to do with the fact that these people ran around half naked. I mean, you can’t completely disregard the basics.
The Spanish conquest of the Aztecs brought chocolate to Europe and, while there was little evidence to support the aphrodisiac theory, just the idea made chocolate a favorite drink of royalty and well-connected Europeans who could afford the luxury. It also became prized as a romantic gift. The industrial revolution brought modern production techniques, and the hard, sweet candy we all know and love today.
Never Dismiss A Potential Edge, However Absurd
When chocolate landed on U.S. shores, its reputation as an indulgence of the nobility preceded it. Women, apparently, were particularly fond of chocolate and men, always looking for an edge, knew a great ice-breaker when they saw one. When giving gifts on Valentine’s Day became commonplace in the late 1800s, chocolate had not only arrived, but had found its own holiday. Then some guy, in an obvious effort to one-up his competition, paired chocolate with flowers and raised the ante for the rest of us from that day forward.
Modern studies suggest that theobromine in dark chocolate may be more effective than codeine at preventing persistent coughing. Other research suggests that small but regular amounts of dark chocolate might lower your risk of heart attack, and research is ongoing to determine if flavonol, found in cocao, might be useful in the treatment of diabetes and dementia. But, what about … you know.
How’s That For Irony?
The long-reputed aphrodisiac qualities of chocolate seem to be most associated with the sensual pleasure of its consumption. Chocolate may also stimulate the hypothalamus, increasing levels of serotonin in the brain. While serotonin has a pleasurable effect, ironically, high levels of serotonin can be converted to melatonin, which might actually reduce your sex drive. Whatever God you believe in, you gotta think he or she has a great sense of humor.
Need Some Time Alone With Your Chocolate Bunny?
Perhaps the best support for the aphrodisiac theory is a study reported by the BBC which indicated that melting chocolate in your mouth produces an increase in brain activity and heart rate that is more intense than that produced by passionate kissing, and lasts four times as long after the activity has ended. Okay, everything I just thought of is obscene, so I’m just gonna move on.
Finally, we would be remiss if we didn’t tell you that, because of the aforementioned theobromine, chocolate is a mild stimulant to humans. In horses, however, it has a much more pronounced effect, and is therefore banned in horse racing. So, take that to heart, or not. But we would hate to see you disqualified from the Kentucky Derby because you accidentally let your horse have a Cadbury egg just before the race.
Now That We’ve Cleared That Up
So, there it is. We didn’t settle anything on this question, but here are a couple of common sense observations. If you think you’re gonna get “lucky” by insisting that your date eat the entire heart of chocolates you gave her for Valentine’s Day, you’re probably delusional. If that worked, we’d all be lined up at Costco buying Milky Way bars by the case. On the other hand, a tastefully packaged gift of quality chocolate never fails to demonstrate what a thoughtful person you are. Oh, and don’t forget to add the flowers. You have some doofus from long ago to thank for that one!
Looking for “a tastefully packaged gift of quality chocolate?” Try our Gift Pages.
You have given chocolates before, just never like this!
10
Sep
Written by Tejas on September 10th, 2008
And … Action!
Have you ever been in the midst of a date, online or off, and suddenly felt you’d been cast in a bad play, or a low budget movie? The conversation doesn’t ring true, the dialogue is poorly written, and mannerisms feel slightly stilted? Even yours? Sadly, it’s not all that unusual.
Ready For Your Closeup?
We seem to feel the need to polish our acting skills when meeting a potential romantic interest, particularly for the first time. Many of us aren’t secure enough in who we are to think we might be interesting, or exciting, or funny enough by just being ourselves. We really want to wow our audience, and leave them wanting more, while fetching a little validation for ourselves.
Unfortunately, few of us have the improvisational skills to pull it off. And the harder we try, the more strained our performance becomes, often ending in a display of forced dialogue and false impressions that we wish we could take back. If you’ve never been the audience for one of these productions, perhaps you’ve been the performer. Neither one is a picnic.
Hey, Did I Tell You I Can Juggle Three Chainsaws? And an Apple?
We all have egos, and it’s only natural that we want to impress someone we’ve just met, in person or online. But forcing yourself to be someone you’re not, because you think you’ll be more memorable, can only lead to a long, tedious, and ultimately disappointing date. Think about it. Do you want to sit around listening to someone struggle to be clever and interesting?
If you’re the audience, you find yourself wondering if this person talks like that all the time. And if so, why? If you’re the performer, then that’s what they’re wondering about you. If you’re both doing a soft shoe, then nobody’s listening anyway. Way too much work for too little payoff.
Your Mom May Have Actually Been Onto Something
Before you take that next first date for a spin, it might be a good time to ask yourself, “Am I dull?” Good question, huh? Do you bore yourself? If you met yourself online, would you date yourself? Now, we know it’s not possible to objectively answer those questions, but you should consider them anyway.
If you don’t enjoy yourself, if you don’t think that the ‘core you’ has something unique and worthwhile to offer, then neither will a potential date. At least not one you’d like to spend much time with. So, there it is; the trite, cliché part. The “mom” part, if you will. If you don’t like yourself, neither will anyone else. But things usually become cliché for a reason.
The good news is that most of us are much more fun, much more interesting, and much cleverer than we give ourselves credit for. We tend to be our own worst critics when it comes to matters of personality and character. The trick to not feeling the need to perform is to accept the idea that who you are is already fun, and engaging, and bright.
We need to approach dating with the attitude that life is only going to get more exhilarating and more fascinating when we become willing to take chances; when we open ourselves to uncertainty, and to new perceptions. And we can only truly do that without pretense.
Leave Your Tap Shoes at Home. Just This Once.
So, the next time you’re on a date, or just having an online conversation with a new friend, and you feel yourself about to break into a tap dance, take a deep breath. And then don’t. Tap dance, I mean. Because the truth is, as hard as it is for us to just let ourselves be ourselves when we’re feeling insecure, that’s what we’re all searching for in others.
We’re pretty sure we’re looking for beauty, and charm, and wealth, and (insert your superficial desire here), but what we really want is someone who is genuine. Someone we’d like to spend time with when they’re just being themselves. And someone who will like us when we’re just being us.
Take yourself out on a date. See what you think. Then, cut yourself a little slack. You might be amazed at the response you get when you just stop trying to impress. Because, face it, even if you could pull off a great performance and really knock their socks off, how long do you think you can keep that going?
And … Cut!
30
Jul
Written by Tejas on July 30th, 2008
Take My Mom, Please!
I was having lunch with a friend several months ago, when she got a call from her mother. After a few minutes of cryptic conversation on her cell phone, she hung up shaking her head. “I just hope it’s not genetic,” she said, smiling. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “Oh, nothing. She just wants to know when I’m going to get married and give her a grandchild. She likes to point out that I’m not getting any younger.”
Sara is a very busy writer, in her late thirties, living in Los Angeles, and her mom is scared to death that she won’t live to see her grandchildren unless Sara gets married soon, and gets to work on it. Oh, and she can’t marry just anyone. He has to be “a nice Jewish boy.”
“She’s right, of course,” Sara confided. “He does have to be Jewish. I don’t have the time to train a goy.” She laughed out loud. “But I don’t have the time to hang out at my neighborhood deli, either, just waiting for some nice single man to come in looking for some corned beef.” Suddenly coy, she giggled, “Oh, I see you like corned beef. We must have a lot in common.”
SWF Seeks SWNJB for Love, Marriage, and Family
Sara’s problem is not unusual, of course. Whether or not you have a Jewish mom breathing down your neck, almost everyone these days has a demanding career, or other obligations, that make trying to create some kind of social life next to impossible. Having special requirements makes looking for a significant other even more of a challenge.
I suggested that Sara go online, and check out some of the Jewish dating and personals sites, or even go to a full-blown matchmaking service. She was very skeptical. She was not interested in trading winks and flirts with lonely geeks and/or cyber-perverts. I told her I was disappointed, because as much as she uses the internet for research and writing, she should know as well as anyone that she was harboring a long-outdated misconception of internet users in general, and of online daters in particular.
Who Knows? You Could Have a Good Time.
Well, it didn’t happen that day, but soon I was able to get Sara to start poking around online for dating and personals services that cater to a Jewish clientele. She was very slow to take to it, and in fact I had to nudge her more than once, but she finally got around to actually going on a date with someone she met online. He was not Mr. Right, but he was a nice man, and she had a good time.
That is what finally convinced her that it might not be a complete waste of time. Eventually, Sara discovered that she could even go to a ‘non-Jewish’ dating site (don’t tell her mother) and simply specify, in her profile, that she was looking for a Jewish man. Turns out, they’re all over the place. Who knew?
No Tongue For Me, Thanks.
Her mom doesn’t quite understand it, but just the fact that Sara is looking was enough to make it okay with her. Sara still hasn’t found the “nice Jewish boy” that she’s willing to take home to mom, but she does have a social life, and she’s having a lot more fun these days. And, I have to admit, I’m feeling pretty smug myself. Plus, I’m a lot more knowledgeable about deli meats.
Do your online dating needs include special religious or ethnic considerations? There are lots of options in our Faith-Based and Ethnic categories. Have a look.
17
Jul
Written by Tejas on July 17th, 2008
What Are You, Deaf?
Have you ever overheard a waitress, or perhaps a sales clerk, shouting at a person in a wheelchair or someone who is clearly blind? It’s much like listening to two people with a language barrier try to carry on a conversation. We seem to feel that if we talk loud enough, it will transcend our differences and make communication possible.
I would guess that anyone in a wheel chair has had to tell someone, at some time, “I can hear you just fine. I’m not deaf.” People are uncomfortable around those among us with an obvious disability, for a few reasons I’ve narrowed down in my own attempt at understanding.
Can I Hold Your, uh, Never Mind.
First, we really aren’t quite sure what to say. Do we mention the fact that they can’t walk, or see, or that they have a prosthetic arm? Should we ask what happened? Should we offer assistance, and if so, how much?
I’m not sure how it is in the rest of the world, but with all the talk about having consideration for people with disabilities, we’ve created a generation of Americans who are afraid of the disabled! People are generally good-hearted, and want to help if they can, but now they’re fearful of somehow insulting a person with a handicap.
Hands Off My Post Toasties, Pal.
This fear is not totally unfounded. I was in a supermarket a few weeks ago, and a woman in a wheelchair was shopping with one of those grabbers she used to reach items on higher shelves. Instead of grabbing what she was after, she inadvertently knocked it to the floor. A young man, standing nearby, bent to retrieve it for her and she curtly told him she could get it for herself. He very likely would have done the same had the woman been able-bodied, but you can bet he’ll never do it again for someone in a wheelchair.
Was she rude? Probably. Maybe she was already having a bad day, but she certainly could have handled his attempt at kindness a little better. However she got there, and as much as it might suck, being in a wheelchair is her burden and she shouldn’t have taken it out on the young man. But most of us don’t understand, and can’t understand, what it’s like to have your mobility, or your sight, or your hearing, or your power of speech taken from you.
It May As Well Be Swahili
Those who do know can’t explain it to the rest of us in words that we can hear. There’s a language barrier, and no amount of shouting will bridge the gap. Besides, they’re tired of explaining. They’ve been explaining to friends, coworkers, and even family, what it’s like to be unable to do something that the rest of us take for granted. Or why they insist on doing some things for themselves when it would be easier to let someone else give them a hand.
People with disabilities want all the same things from life that everyone else wants. They want a meaningful job, with authority and responsibility commensurate with their abilities. And you can be sure they want a real relationship, with all of the customs and words and emotions that go with it. But how do they bridge the “language barrier” to get to that relationship? Tens of thousands have turned to the internet, and to online dating.
Is it perfect? No. But it’s a place that lets you put everything, or nothing, on the table before you start. It’s your call. The web is a great place to reveal yourself on your own timetable. You can talk about what you want, when you want, and from within your own comfort zone. Wanna just put it all out there, up front? Or would you rather let it come slowly, as you grow to know and trust someone?
Here I Am. Take It or Leave It.
As one woman told us, after deciding to give online dating a try, “I am not my wheelchair, and I’m looking for a man who is, first, not afraid of me, and second, who can see past the chair. What a relief it was to just put the fact that I’m in a wheelchair right there in my online profile. That way, anyone who sends me a flirt is doing so with eyes wide open.”
She reports that she’s had some “great dates” thanks to her online dating service. What made them so great? “We knew, before we ever met, exactly what we could and could not share in the way of activities. But best of all, I didn’t have to spend the whole date explaining what it’s like being unable to walk, or how I feel about it. Instead, we talked about the things we could do and the things we had in common.” She says she’s currently in a relationship where conversation has turned to views on having a family.
So Maybe We Should Brush Up Our Language Skills
The next time you hear a sales clerk shouting to a blind man, try not to be too hard on her. She would probably do the same if he spoke Italian. She does kind of get it, in a twisted sort of way. It just takes more than shouting to overcome a language barrier. From both sides.
Give Online Dating a look. Many sites have built-in communities for groups with specific interests and needs, like disabled daters.
27
Jun
Written by Tejas on June 27th, 2008
First of all, I should say that most people I know, who are over the age of fifty, bristle at being called ‘seniors.’ They don’t consider themselves old, they resent the mail they receive from AARP, and they won’t even accept the discounts available at movie theatres, restaurants, and other commercial establishments, at least until they cross over the sixty mark. Then, they seem to lighten up a little.
I don’t think it’s a matter of vanity, at least not entirely. It seems to be more the fact that they don’t feel like seniors in the traditional sense of the term. These people are not our grandparents grandparents, if you’ll excuse a twist on some stolen imagery. These are not the pie-baking, chair-rocking, knitting needle-clicking grannies of yore. Okay, some probably are, but remember, many of them are the kids who went off to the Peace Corps, fought in Vietnam, marched on Washington, and danced naked at Woodstock. Sorry if that last one put a picture of your grandma in your head that you’ll never get out.
The point is, most of these ‘seniors’ are still healthy, vibrant, vigorous, financially stable and, dare we say it, sexually active human beings. They are online in record numbers, just like the rest of us, and they’re at online dating venues looking for the same things the rest of us are looking for; friendship, romance, companionship, love, and sex. And the good news is, there are a boatload of online services that are designed to cater specifically to the ‘mature’ dater.
So, How’s It Feel To Be An Old-Timer?
Amazingly, you only have to be over forty to find yourself included in this group, when it comes to online dating sites, but the fact is, there really are no rules. There’s nothing to prevent a man or woman of forty-five, or even seventy-five, from signing up at any dating or personals site on the web, and thousands do every day. The only point of the mature-specific dating sites is to make the search easier for the searchers, just like any other niche site. If you’re looking for someone in a specific ethnic, social, religious, or age group, it makes sense to go to where they congregate. If you’re sixty and looking for someone else who’s sixty, and you don’t want to sift through all the thirty-year-olds, then give a mature dating site a spin, even if you resent the terminology. Although, sometimes the sifting can be a good time in itself.
Now, some may think that because Grandpa doesn’t use his mobile phone for texting and downloading tunes, that he doesn’t appreciate, or understand, the technology available to him. But people over fifty have embraced technology, and specifically the internet, with the same gusto as everyone else. They have discovered social networking and email to keep in touch with family and friends, they explore their family trees in genealogy forums, they investigate and research drug and medical questions, and they are flocking to online dating venues like it’s half-price Viagra.
Anyone Seen My 8-Track of Herman’s Hermits?
It’s true that this is a generation that grew up without computers, and CDs, and satellite television, and talking automobiles. They were deprived of Playstation, wii, voice mail and fat-free bacon, but this generation grew up at a time when, if you wanted to communicate with someone far away, you wrote a letter. Long distance telephone calls were expensive, and generally only for important matters and special occasions. So, this is a generation of people who, by and large, know how to express themselves with pen and paper, or even a keyboard if necessary. They are almost certainly better equipped to pursue an online relationship, with a person they have yet to meet, than someone for whom “Id luv 2 mtU 4 dinA” is a sentence.
No slight intended to our younger readers, but the art of letter writing is still alive and well in many of these ‘mature’ folk, and it’s perfectly suited to the kind of relationships being conducted every day in social forums and online dating venues all over the web. Getting to know someone online is all about communication, including measured doses of finesse and nuance. There can be an intimacy, and a tenderness, in the written word that seems more difficult to get to in a face to face discussion. If you start out with the skill to express yourself, and reveal who you are, on paper or online, then you’re miles ahead of someone who doesn’t.
Does everyone over fifty possess these skills? Of course not. But I’d venture to guess there’s a much larger percentage of skilled letter writers in this age group than in the society of whipper-snappers that largely populates the netscape. Not to disparage whipper-snappers of any age, but writing skills have generally declined with the advent of so many electronic distractions, the personal computer included. Back in the dark ages of the fifties and sixties, television was pretty much the only game in town.
Off The Computer, Kid. Nanna’s Got A Hot Date.
So, the next time you dismiss the idea of Grandma getting lucky online, think again. She may be doing much better than you are. And, if you’re a ‘mature’ person ready for a new romance in your life, don’t dismiss the internet as a possibility. It affords the ability to search for and meet potential friends far beyond your own social and professional circles, and allows you to size them up without even having to speak to them. Then, if they pass initial muster, you can choose to begin an online dialogue. If you’re half as literate as I’ve made you out to be, you’ll be showing these kids a thing or two about online dating that will make them envious of your prowess as a date magnet.
Now, get out there and make us both look smart.
Go ahead. Give online dating a try. Here’s our list of services that give special attention to the needs of ‘mature’ daters.
Note: If you didn’t figure out what “Id luv 2 mtU 4 dinA” means, there’s actually a Text Lingo to English translator on the web at http://www.lingo2word.com/ .
Is the internet great, or what?
24
Jun
Written by Tejas on June 24th, 2008
What Do I Give, And When?
As internet activity begins to mesh more seamlessly into our everyday lives, we start to take note, not only of the differences, but of the similarities that online pursuits share with their offline counterparts. Offline and online dating, while very different in many ways to be sure, also share many of the same protocols. Most of the same rules of etiquette still apply, even when your date is being conducted in cyberspace. At the same time, online dating has given rise to many new conventions designed to help us adapt to the realities of conducting such intimate personal relationships in a virtual world.
It’s no wonder, then, that most of us still have a few questions about what is, and is not, correct behavior when conducting, what we hope will become, a romantic online relationship. We’ve written, and read, lots of articles on how to conduct yourself safely online, how to tailor your manners and your sense of humor so that you won’t be misunderstood, and how to present yourself in the best possible light, while still being honest with potential new online friends. But, what about the etiquette of gift-giving in an online relationship? What are the rules? Are there any rules? Well, we haven’t seen anyone address these questions, so we figured, “Why not us?” We’re as unqualified as anyone!
I Think We Like Each Other. What Next?
Once you’ve established a rapport with someone on the internet, and made the transition to an online ‘courtship’, to use an old-fashioned term, it’s only natural that you feel a need to connect with this person in a more tangible way, with a token of your admiration. But which token? How much should it cost? How personal should it be?
Exchanging gifts, in a new relationship, is always an exercise in navigating choppy waters, online or not. But with an online romance, you may feel as though you don’t know the person well enough to shop for him or her, just because you haven’t met face to face. But here’s what you need to keep in mind; you probably know this person much better than you think. Much better, even, than someone you might have been seeing for the same period of time in the real world. Why? Because all you do is talk.
Think about it. You haven’t been going to movies, or roller skating, or dancing, or any of the other things normal daters do that interfere with talking. When all you can do together is talk, you have to get good at it. In the absence of body language, typical context, and other nonverbal cues, you’re forced pay attention. You also have to carefully consider your own word choices for the sake of clarity, and to avoid being misunderstood.
Consequently, the two of you have spent your time together talking about almost anything that comes to mind. Some trivial, some serious, some very personal. It’s much easier to express your deepest feelings, your hopes, dreams, ambitions, fears, and insecurities when you’re not looking someone directly in the eye. Now, the two of you may not have gotten so far as your deepest fears and insecurities, but you’ve almost certainly crossed the line into ‘personal’ and you probably know more about each other than most ‘offline’ couples who have been bowling and going to basketball games.
The Old Stalwarts, Flowers And Candy.
So, now’s the time to use all that insight. Giving the right gift can be the perfect bridge between the mutual acknowledgment of attraction, and that first face-to-face meeting. The trick is to hit just the right note, to give something that shows just how much you’ve been paying attention. For instance, you can never go wrong with flowers. Almost everyone loves to get flowers, if their not allergic. They’re always the right size and, thanks to an explosion of online florists, they’re convenient and inexpensive to send.
But, if during the course of your online conversations, she’s mentioned that she loves Gerbera daisies, and then you send roses, you’ve missed a huge opportunity. Will she like the roses? Probably, but she would have been way more impressed that you remembered the daisies, and you could have saved a few bucks while looking like a great guy.
Chocolate is another perennial symbol of romance, and is rarely a mistake as a gift choice. But, if you talked online about a mutual love of fudge, and you shared that there was this great fudge maker at a farmers market near your home, sending a box as a first gift would be just about perfect. It’s not just candy. It’s a real, tangible connection to you, and something you both like. The key, early on, is not so much the ‘what’ but more the ‘how’ it fits into your relationship.
Can’t Decide Between a New Car and a See-Through Teddy?
A couple of cautions to bring up here. You want to give something that feels meaningful to the relationship, while not appearing cheap, but you also want to take care not to go overboard. Starting small will keep tension to a minimum. Being too extravagant, too soon, might creep out your new love interest. This is especially true in an online relationship where the two parties have not met. An expensive gift not only risks raising questions about your motives, but it also sets the bar high for the next time. If you start out with diamond earrings, what do you follow that with? Fudge?
Also, unless it’s been clearly established that sex is definitely a part of your relationship, don’t send gifts of a suggestive nature, especially at first. Sexy lingerie, or a rhinestone jockstrap, may move you from a warm, fuzzy possibility to a disturbing potential stalker if the recipient wasn’t prepared for it. Again, stick with what’s appropriate to the relationship as it currently stands. The boundaries will, of course, change over time and you must stay attuned to these shifts.
Hey! Pay Attention!
Like we said at the beginning, you’ve spent all this time talking. Now, make it work for you. Be alert for details that can help you in choosing a gift. If you can do it without being obvious, you might even steer an occasional conversation onto a helpful topic. But it will only be effective if you listen, and remember, and then use what you learn to make meaningful choices. Choose a gift that demonstrates how attentive, and thoughtful, and sensitive you really are.
Like my uncle Rodney used to say, “Chicks dig that.” The fact is, so do guys. Everyone loves to feel special, and nothing reinforces that feeling like knowing someone has picked up on bits of conversation, and actually listened to your likes, dislikes, and needs, and then responded to those cues by selecting a really thoughtful, personal gift. Sounds easy enough, huh? It is.
Are you listening?
Need more gift ideas? Visit the Gift Pages on ValiantHearts.com
8
Jun
Written by Tejas on June 8th, 2008
Yes! Success!
Or near success. If not a touchdown, then at least a first down, or a base hit, or … pick your own metaphor here. However you choose to characterize it, you’ve snagged a candidate. A catch. A potential prospect. The online profile that you labored over for days, then polished, and re-polished, then reluctantly posted online, has finally borne fruit. Someone read it, looked at your photo, and decided to wink, or nod, or ‘icebreak’ or whatever the term is on your particular dating site.
Or …. You’ve stumbled onto someone you find interesting enough that you’re willing to make the opening move. The dreaded first contact. Now, for the big one. The initial encounter; your introductory email.
It makes little difference whether you’re firing the opening volley, or if you’re responding to someone else who has, you are still about to make your first impression. And one thing, for sure, about first impressions, is you only get one. It’s true. Do the math for yourself. But, don’t panic. Or, go ahead and panic, if you work better under stress. But know this; you can write a compelling first email, even if you’re one of those who believes they can’t write. Really. You can.
Take A Minute To Clear Your Head.
First, don’t respond immediately. Take a little time. Almost nobody expects to get a response from a total stranger in an hour or two. If you’re responding to an opening message, you have a day or two to think about it. Let your thoughts and ideas bounce around in your head for a little while before you actually sit down at the keyboard.
If you’re the one making first contact in response to a profile you’ve seen, then you have even longer, but not a lot. Keep in mind that everyone else has had an opportunity to see the same profile you did, and if he or she seems special to you, odds are someone else will think so too. Especially if it’s a new member. They tend to get a lot of scrutiny when they first post a profile.
Think of your opening email as a sales letter, only be careful not to let it read like one. You’re essentially making the sales pitch that you, not all the others making contact, are the one who deserves the first response.
On the one hand, you want your message to be polished and intelligent. No one wants to sound like an idiot. On the other hand, you don’t want to come off as cold, or impersonal. Don’t send an email list of facts and figures about yourself. You’ll end up sounding colorless and tedious. Likewise, you shouldn’t send a list of questions about the recipient that could give the feeling they’re in a job interview. You want to ask enough to show that you’re interested, and share enough to reveal that you’re interesting.
So, This Guy Walks Into A Bar With A Banana In His Ear.
Humor is always a great icebreaker and, used well, will show you to be fun and intriguing. The example above is, perhaps, not a good one, but have a sense of humor about yourself, about life, and about your online search for companionship. Share a couple of facts about yourself, and the values you feel are most important for a new friend to know, but don’t use this opportunity to declare that anyone who drives a car instead of riding a bicycle will burn in hell. True or not, you should save that one, at least, until email number two. In this message, be fun and be interesting.
You might best accomplish this by showing your slightly off-center side, without being totally weird. Most people find themselves attracted to ‘quirky’ but run away fast if they smell ‘crazy.’ Most of us aren’t looking for ordinary, we’re looking for unusual, even exceptional. That’s why so many of us are still looking.
If you can find a way to reveal the unusual and exceptional in yourself, in a brief email message, you will get a response. Decide what is quirky, surprising, or extraordinary about you before you write your message. You might even make a short list before you begin. Then, see if those qualities come through in your finished email. If not, start over.
You need to make your recipient feel that you’re interested, but without seeming desperate. To use the job interview analogy again, you want to express your interest while also demonstrating that you bring more to the partnership than mere need. The difference, of course, is that this situation is much more personal, so try not to sound as if you are applying for a position in a bank.
Remember, They’re Looking Too.
It’s a fine line to walk, no mistake about it. But if you look at yourself honestly, cherry-pick your most appealing qualities, and communicate those in a fun, interesting, and maybe ‘quirky’ way, you will most certainly attract attention. You have to keep in mind that the recipient of your message is looking for someone too, so you’re starting out with a receptive audience. You just have to make the most of this opening round.
So, summon up a little faith in yourself. Suck up any self-doubt, and be daring. Good, bad, or inconsequential – take your best shot. Anyone should consider it a compliment that you chose to make contact, or to respond to theirs. After all, you’re exceptional. Right?
Now, you just have to get them to see that. How hard can that be?
Think you could use some expert help? LookBetterOnline.com is a full-service company that will help you make your best possible impression for a reasonable fee.
19
May
Written by Tejas on May 19th, 2008
People Are Spending More Time
online these days. That, in itself, is no surprise. But we aren’t just doing our banking, checking our stocks, and buying CDs at Amazon.com. Much of this online time is increasingly devoted to “social interaction.” We’re visiting sites like MySpace and YouTube and FaceBook, and dozens of others, where we can watch and listen to other people, and even join the conversation, if we choose, with people we don’t even know, and may never know, outside these cyber-communities.
It only seems natural, then, that as a part of this social paradigm shift, online dating has thrown off its reputation as a refuge for the shy, the weird, the creepy, and the socially unacceptable, and has blossomed into the single largest venue for those romantically inclined individuals in search of each other.
Social Research Confirms The Change
According to the Pew Internet and American Life Project, 75% of adult Americans use the internet. Of those, 11% report that they have visited an online dating site, or “other site where you can meet people online.” That is equal to the percentage who buy or sell stocks, bonds, and mutual funds online. It’s a lotta folks!
Even in the face of all the new competition from MySpace and the other aforementioned social networking sites, online dating services continue to attract new members, and retain the old ones, and the reasons are not difficult to grasp.
The odds of finding a compatible dating partner, or potential life companion, in your circle of friends, acquaintances, and professional colleagues are slim. Even in a city with a large population, you would have to know a lot of people, or visit a lot of bars, or circulate in a large number of social arenas to improve your chances, even a little. Almost nobody has that kind of time today.
Online dating services offer the safety of anonymity, along with the comfort and convenience of searching from your laptop, while lounging in your jammies, and sipping hot cocoa or a cold brew.
They also offer the opportunity to cast a far wider net than you would otherwise be able to. You can search for a mate across the street, across the country, or across the ocean with equal ease. Of course, should you find someone perfect for you in Zurich, you’ll have some logistics to work out, but that’s another issue.
Wide Net, Narrow Focus
In an odd juxtaposition is the ability to narrow your search and focus on the specific details of the person you wish to meet. Aside from gender, height, weight, and personality traits, you can aim your search at race, religion, social and professional interests, and a host of criteria limited only by your wants, needs, and imagination.
Most online dating services have created specialized areas just for these kinds of requirements. Some, like FriendFinder and SexyAds and the Spark Networks, have created multiple specialized sites to accommodate a wide variety of dater requirements.
This means that if you’re a devout Christian, and are looking for a like-minded partner, no problem. Christian Mingle has got you covered. Jdate may have your potential mate if you’re looking for a Jewish partner. The same is true if you’re looking for someone Catholic, Asian, gay or lesbian, African American, over forty, or Hispanic. Pick a ‘group’ and you can be sure they have their own web presence.
Once inside this larger subset, you can then apply your own, more stringent standards, and seek out that man or woman who is also a lactose intolerant, non-smoker, who enjoys nude shuffleboard on Caribbean cruises. Because the two of you really do need to find each other.
The Bottom Line
The bottom line is that, whatever your particular requirements, however peculiar, there is a means to search for, and even find, that person. Think about that. Because it’s a fairly radical departure from the past, and how we have traditionally had to meet the people who might turn out to be the most important in our lives.
Specifics aside, the truth is that we’re all basically looking for the same thing. We want to find someone to spend time with, maybe even all the time we have left, who shares our interests, our belief system, our dreams and our goals, give or take one or two. The thing is, there has never been a better chance of succeeding in that search, thanks to the internet, and internet dating technologies.
Given the extensive profiles at most services, as well as the photos and videos, it’s now possible to quickly sort through a large number of potential prospects. Add to this the sophisticated personality matching software, based on psychological research, you can then narrow that field to a manageable number. And you can do all this from the convenience and safety of your keyboard before you ever venture out to meet anyone.
For the cost of dinner in a nice restaurant (Burger King doesn’t count) you can give yourself a gift that might well change the course of your life. For the better. You can even begin, at most services, for free! Online dating services may well be the best bargain to be found anywhere on the internet. And that’s saying something, because I think there are a lot of bargains out there.
Now, all you have to do is sign up.
15
Apr
Written by Dave on April 15th, 2008
You’re All Signed Up!
You’ve got two or three free trial memberships in online dating services, and now it’s time. You gotta write your personal ad, or “profile.” We know. You can’t write! And even if you could, where do you start? Well, the first thing is, and you will read this in virtually every piece of advice you can find on personal ad writing, be honest. We know. But it’s true. You have to expose the real you in your personal profile. Otherwise, what’s the point?
Presumably, you’re hoping to find someone with whom, at the very least, you can spend a lot of time. Maybe fall in love. You know the rest. So, if that’s true, then you can’t try to sucker them into falling for somone you’re not. If you have a pet emu that sleeps in your bedroom, you gotta put that out up front. It’s sort of like “truth in lending.” If you can’t stand to be around smokers, or even bowlers for that matter, save yourself some time and let them know that in your profile. Although the bowling thing is kind of harsh.
Take An Inventory
Then, like it says in the old song, “accentuate the positive.” We’re talking REALLY old songs here. But, make a list of the things you find most charming, or unique, about yourself. If you can’t think of any, ask a couple of friends to help you out. Then take that list, and choose the best from it to include in your profile.
Include things about your lifestyle that you consider most important, the things you would hope to share with a mate. If you spend your weekends volunteering in homeless shelters, you probably won’t be satisfied with someone who would rather drink beer and watch television. Likewise, if you’re a real homebody, who likes to cook and garden, you probably don’t want an avid skydiver.
Avoid the superficial, and try to show who you really are. If you want to attract someone with similar, or complementary interests, you have to expose what those interests are. Besides, if you decide to go the other way, and just make up some cool-sounding stuff, how embarrassing is that going to be when it all gets exposed? I’m just sayin’.
Beauty Queen Cures Cancer and Takes Wimbledon in Straight Sets!
Include an attention-getting headline, or “grabber.” Okay, maybe the example above is a little over the top, but find some way to stand out in the sea of other people who may, at first blush, seem to be just like you. Look at all those other faces. Does someone’s ad jump out from among the rest? Why? Try to figure that out, and do the same with your ad, while remaining completely honest, of course.
Exhibit a positive attitude. Nobody likes to be around negativity, so it’s not likely to attract the kind of mate you’re hoping to find. Your profile is not the place to relate all the worries and woes of your life. Keep it light, and if you have a sense of humor, this is a good place to let it show.
A Picture Is Worth Dozens of Words
Invest in a good photograph. Underexposed and shadowy makes you unattractive and hard to see. Overexposed and “blown out” looks harsh. Let them SEE who you are, in your “best light.” You should consider a professionally taken photo. There are relatively inexpensive online services, like LookBetterOnline.com, that will send a photographer to you who specializes in online dating photos. They know exactly what you need, and why you need it, and they’re adept at providing it for you. Some of these same services will also help you polish your written online profile.
Other companies, like Dating-Profile.com, specialize strictly in online profile enhancement. They offer a range of services, from a critique of your current profile, to writing one for you from scratch, depending on your needs and budget. Investing a modest amount in a good photo and a polished, well-written profile, can pay huge dividends in the impression you make online.
So, in summation, be honest, be positive, be specific, and be honest. And did we mention, be honest? You’ll both be glad you were.
Services to Consider
LookBetterOnline.com is a full-service company that will provide you with an online photograph to show you at your best. They will also critique, polish, or create your online profile as your needs and budget require.
Dating-Profile.com Will advise, assist, or even completely write your online profile for you. Excellent professional assistance at a reasonable cost, to help you make your best first impression online.
Intelius.com – Perform an instant background check on anyone, anywhere. Have the peace of mind of knowing that your potential date is exactly the person they claim to be.
Classmates.com can help you locate that old girlfriend or boyfriend you always wondered about. Or, just locate old schoolmates you’ve lost track of over the years. Classmates.com lets you find them for free.
15
Apr
Written by Dave on April 15th, 2008
We gave it to the men pretty hard in our article about online dating blunders. But women are no less prone to mistakes than men, when it comes to dating, online or off. Online dating, however, presents its own list of do’s and don’ts, some of which are not shared by real-world dating. And before you get offended by this article, take a look at the one, just like it, for men.
Know When To Put a Sock In It.
Men tend to be put off by a woman who just doesn’t know when to shut up. This is particularly true when the discussion is taking place via email or chat. Don’t offer your life story in response to a simple question. Remember, he has to READ your answer. Don’t give details that he hasn’t asked for. If he asks what you do for a living, he really doesn’t care how much you hate your boss. When he asked if you’ve been married, he didn’t intend to get all the gory details of your divorce. It was pretty much a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question.
Keep it short, friendly, and to the point. Then, after you’ve answered his question, ask him one. It makes him think that you also care about him and his personal story. That way, it feels more like a conversation than a visit to your therapist. Your therapist WANTS you to talk for fifty minutes. Your date doesn’t.
Honesty Is, At Least, One of the Top Two or Three Best Policies
Be truthful. Sooner or later, and it’s usually sooner, a lie will come back to bite you on the butt. And it will hurt, especially if you’ve found that you’re really starting to like this guy. Even little “white” lies about your age, or weight, or your glass eye can end a promising relationship before it even has a chance to get started. Plus, telling the truth has the added bonus of not having to remember what you’ve said. Someone out there will appreciate you, and love you, for who you are. If they don’t, then they don’t deserve you. Be honest.
Men Get Really Freaked Out by Desperate Women.
Try not to appear eager. You may have noticed that men have male-type egos. They are the hunters and conquerors. If you’re too willing to be conquered, they lose interest. Don’t play hard-to-get. Don’t be coy. Be interested, and interesting, and leave the rest to nature. If you email or IM too often, he’ll get spooked.
And, for heaven’s sake, don’t complain that he doesn’t email you often enough, or that he takes too long to respond to your messages, unless he’s just an ass and lets it go for days at a time. We all have lives outside online dating. Professional, family, and social lives. You do, and he does. Allow a reasonable period for him to contact you or respond to your contact. What “reasonable” is can only be determined by where your particular relationship is at the time.
Prince Charming Has Left the Building
One of the sad truths in life is that you are not going to find “Mr. Perfect.” He’s not out there. So don’t hold out for him. The world is fresh out of princes, and what you have to do is make your best choice from all the frogs that remain. When you come to accept this, you’ll find that there are really some quite nice, kind, funny and lovable frogs out there who would love to be your mate. So pick one, and get on with your life.
This doesn’t mean that you have to settle for a snake. And it doesn’t mean that you have to let go of the notion of “romance” in your life. It just means that you should also have a nodding acquaintance with reality.
Don’t Hide On a Busload of Miss Americas
It also works the other way around. If you’re not “Miss Perfect,” and who is, then you should be looking for your frog in the appropriate places. If you’re attractive, forty-five, and a little overweight, but you decide to jump into a pool of twenty-somethings who all look like Salma Hayek, your frog is probably going to overlook you. Let’s face it, we’re all just a bit superficial, and a pool full of Salma Hayeks could prove a little distracting. But, you gotta admit, that would be some pool.
Anyway, choose dating sites that fit well with who you are, and who you’re looking to meet. Online dating is not the cyber wasteland, of its early reputation, populated by perverts, predators, and would-be stalkers. I’m not sure it was EVER that bad, but today online dating is exploding into the world’s most popular venue for searching out and meeting your soul mate.
So Jump In! Be a Part of the Explosion.
Write a good profile, submit a good photograph, and start looking for your “Mr. Perfect.” Only remember, he could turn out to be a frog. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Now polish up your ‘frog gig’ and wade in. It’s time to Go For It!
